Being Honest

My friend… being honest, truly is the hardest thing to do in this world. It’s not just being honest to the other. Being honest to yourself is often being the hardest problem to deal with, because it may reveal the really you.

My wife was right…. I’m too cocky, not willing to accept that I’m not ‘that good’ at all. For many times I live with believe that I can do every thing, but I didn’t realize that all of my ‘ability’ happened to be just in my imagination.

T’s true… all this year I’ve been so wrong on judging myself. I always believe that I am that great. Over confidence, yeah maybe.

I am an introvert person, that’s for sure…. I’m to afraid, I’m always scared in my entire live, and so, I guess that I’ll never be able to break the barrier and free myself.

My introvert ness is killing me, I’m always embedded by shadows, everybody shadows. But yet I refuse to be called as a complete looser.

So I start to fought, but it end up on me having a lot of unbelievable imaginations, and dreams. Some people might says that to have a dream is a blessing, but what if you cannot separate dreams with reality.

Trust me, I don’t even know if I worth it.

My wife once tells me that I often act like I am God, that I can decide everything and do anything. She said that I’m acting like I have such power to do everything. And it’s true…, not the power I mean, but my behavior… It just like finally someone, luckily someone I love, spit it out in my face.

I wonder if that is true, and I stuck with consideration that it is true, just because in some cases when I shout for the rain to stop, the rain faded, or when I said or wish for something that come true than I said that I will always can.

Those things led me to other; I start dreaming or imagining that in time I can. And for many long times it derived me from reality that I’m not capable enough to do my dreaming.

So as the cause of that I’m became more lazy. I always wait for a bloody miracle which my brain will be upgraded instantly or my physical capability will increase rapidly.

It’s true. Dig this; I always dream that god will upgrade my brain, so I will able to do magnificent things instantly, like creating anti gravity stuff, or creating a solar fuel that will replace fossils fuel, not just for fuel, but for electricity also, ha ha .

Or when I dream to create magnificent paraphernalia, inspired by Iron Man suite, I’ll make multipurpose suite, I’ll make human to truly experience what Icarus once experience… to fly.

Oke that didn’t come to reality, so I switch my dream to be an excellent artist. I dream to be a multi talented actor, a king of disguise. And in my imagination, it happened by accident where I walk in a movie set, the director saw me, use me for extra, but found out that I have an aura to be a star, and so he give me part in his next movie, and there goes my shooting star career.

Or me being a best seller novelist, no not novelist, just a short story writer. But my creation, get a lot off attention, win lots of writing competition, win a lot of prizes, and some major label on movie industry have interested in my story and pay me a lot for my creation. My wife said that my work is dull, same redline on every story, just changing the character and some word but still have the same essence. My own sorrow, grief and miser (well you’ll have to judge it by yourself since I’m planning on publish it also)

Or me being a comic artist, a penciller, I’m dreaming that I can draw comic, tell my own story, and get a good payment for that.

Enough on art…

Hah? There’s more?

Yup, now I dream to be the best advisor, a great problem solver. I managed to solve the hardest problem, became a great negotiator, independent negotiator. And I earn hell a lot of money from that.

Amazing how imagination can be….

And it not just it… can you believe it, that I actually can be anybody just in one night, Dig this, while I listen to music, suddenly I feel that I can play guitar, play piano, sing perfectly, and be in the spotlight.

You know what the worst part is? I always shout to God to change me over one night, and be the luckiest man ever on earth. I did, and I always did so. Honest.

I’m always sure that God will change me, make me great….. So I can take my revenge.

Yeah… honesty… it’s all about vengeance….

I don’t know if it is true… but I feel that being in shadows had made me enough. Being small, being compared to other, mocked around. I do wish to change.

And my wife… she reminds me about that…. She asked me about my desire to be same as God, since I often said that only I and God can rule my life. I always say that I am the son and the heir, and also say that God will help me to show you how great I am.
Cocky, right? That happen for along time right now, and I never realize it until my wife said so. Damn I starter to sound like Lucifer.

Yeah, more I think about it more I’m aware that I’m drifting, I become Lucifer myself. Asking to be God.

And my pure intensity is money, yet another mammon. On my introvert life. I become lazier to react and relies that to be everything I dreamt on, I imagine, It need determination, hard work, pain, tears, and everything. And I just want to have it instantly.

The fact that I’m abut to be 30 and yet still become just another guy bother me a lot. I always feel and yet still I believe till this moment that I am special, I know that God want me to be big, even great.

But by the way I act, I don’t think that it will not be coming true…. My wife right all along, I try to dictate God. Ask Him to do anything I want, push Him to give me anything I wish… so I will have my revenge and spit anyone who looked down on me, mock me, comparing me, said that I am worthless, sinner, ungrateful, unfaithful, etc…etc…etc.

Damn how it hurts and I’ve been asking the same thing to God over and over.

But my wife tell the truth, I cannot dictate God, I cannot push my plan on God, He has the plan..

But a stubborn is a stubborn, Even I have said over and over that I give up, I let Him rule my life, I’ll obey everything He wants me to do, still I challenge Him. And lot of time I just ignore Him, said that I don’t need him. It’s true, even in one moment I just give Him my middle finger, and just hate Him so much.

Yeah, I’ve spit on God, even said that He is nothing, I believe in my own power so much that now I’m suffer from his punishment, I realize now that with His power, I’m nothing like an ant being crushed by His little finger. Damn, my wife was right from the very first time, and I’m so late to realize that.

I do really giving up right now, I now back to my basic when I said me and plan doesn’t fit each other. I said that because every plan I make, every thing set seems to be too high, too cocky, believe that i am that great, and now He give me His point crystal clear and I just have to wish that He eventually stop on crushing me, and has at least a little pity on me.

Well, now I just don’t know who I am anymore, I just don’t have the guts anymore just to ask on anything to Him, I just want to proceed with my live and hope that He will give me a better life for me and my family…

Still another wish….

End

Prayer

Lord of all mercy, I thank You for every breath that I take, for every step that I take. I know, God. I’m not much of Your obedient servant, I’m more like that number one hundred goat sheep, that lost child, an ultimate sinner.

Lord off all mercy, please spare my life, even if I deemed to the deepest darkness ever exist, I hope that You’ll hear me.

Lord, I know that I don’t have any right to ask to You again. Not since I turn my back on you. I know that I made a lot of sin, so it would flood me like an ocean.

Oh God, never I feel so helpless, never I feel so down. I know my existence is nothing, I don’t exist in others memory. I stop asking to go to Heaven and be one of Your heir, since I know I didn’t worth it at all.

But Lord, please spare me.
My knees are sinking deep into the ground, my shoulder bend for this heavy load of cross that I carry. It is my fault I’m aware, and I’m in no position to ask You for forgiveness.

I’m broke my Lord, busted to every single bone exist in me, to every single blood cell floating inside my vein.

Oh please spare me, my Lord. Please!

For this the only hope I have, for You is the one that I look for, I hope for, I fear the most.
Please my Lord, help me, and guide me through out all of this.
Be my cross my Lord.
Walk in front of me will you Dear God, and be my guide.
Walk beside me, will you Dear God, and be my friend.
Walk behind me, will you Dear God, and be my support

Guide me so I won’t get stumble and fall, nor my head get struck and knock me down.

Be with me Lord, because beside you no other else can.

No, I don’t want you to take this cross away from me, because I know that it is mine. But please walk with me, be with me, so I can go and through all this and shall I shout.

Because of guidance of Lord Jesus, my Mighty God, I can through all this.

Thank you, God, for hearing me.
Thank you, Amen.